A nice word about the F-bomb

When I was in high school, I thought swearing alongside my dopey friends made me look cool. Now that I'm only slightly more mature and have two great kids of impressionable ages (11 and 7), the F-bomb makes me wanna... explode.

I have always told my kids that, unequivocally, people who swear just can't think of better, funnier, more creative words to express their frustration. We spent years cycling through great options like "RATS!" "GEESES!" (instead of JESUS!), "CHEESE AND QUACKERS!" and "MOTHER OF PEARL!" (thanks, Chris Farley). I also like random phrases inserted where a swear should be, like "GREAT WALL OF CHINA!".

I recently visited a local greasy pizza joint, where the owner decided it was no big deal to drop a few F-bombs in front of my seven-year-old daughter. When I called him on it, he verbally abused me (no surprise there) and threw me out of the store, yelling, "You come in to MY store and tell ME how to talk???" Uh, yea. I'm the customer, you big... uh... you... [steam coming from ears]... why I oughta...

I didn't swear. I didn't push this psycho over the edge, though I wanted to. I showed restraint and decorum, turned on an Ugg boot heel, and walked out of the store. Forget the road rage syndrome. Don't get mad, just take your money and leave. What stronger point can you make than that? I didn't want his greasy pizza anyway (saving 20 fat grams there) and I showed my daughter that his behavior was NOT okay. I didn't swear back... goshdarnit, I wanted to.

Next time you want to drop the F-bomb, smile and think of something funnier. It'll make your day. How about channeling Velma from Scooby Doo and yell out a big ole, "JINKIES!" when you get cut off in traffic? If the Penguins of Madagascar can do it, so can you.


Shannon Mele said...

great post Julie! words we can all learn from!!

clahiff said...

That was f-ing wonderful!

Elaine Spitz said...

Funny stuff! "Anchorman: Ron Burgundy" (a little too raunchy for your kids just yet) has some pretty funny non-swears: "great Oden's Raven!" being one. I like your idea of making up our own.